The Gift of Rejection
By Silver Eagle
By Silver Eagle
Everyone has known this disappointment from time to time. It doesn't matter what your age or what the circumstance, rejection will find you sooner or later. Coat it in a friendly positive affirmation, flip it around so it looks better than it feels, manipulate the concept any way you want but it changes nothing. Rejection is rejection and the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move on.
Rejection.... to refuse to take, have or use.... to refuse to grant or to deny.... to refuse to accept or admit.... to discard as useless or unsatisfactory.
I work a lot with definitions. Often people don't mean what they say or say what it is they mean and oft times, we aren't even talking about the same thing. Experience has shaded our concepts and words clouding communication. Definitions are an effective way to attempt to stay on the same page with each other and sometimes speak the truth of the matter better than the social concepts of words do.
To disregard as useless.. how many times have you felt like that? Perhaps it was a good idea you had that no one wanted. Perhaps like me, you're a writer and get those cute little form letters. Perhaps you've been jilted by someone you not only admired but loved and now think something is wrong with you because of it. Perhaps you didn't get the job you wanted and were qualified for because of something or other. We live with daily rejection from all aspects of our lives. Positive and negative - always together.
The challenge isn't that we are 'rejected' really. It's the coping with the entire process. The first step is in how you distribute your energy towards a goal. Many of us feel an attachment to the outcome of a particular endeavor. As a writer - this is entirely all too familiar to me.
The anticipation: the manuscript is sent away to various strangers to peruse.
The waiting: will it come back to me, get lost or be accepted?
The fantasy: this is a normal outgrowth of the waiting period. I believe if there was no such thing as waiting, we wouldn't attach ourselves to the outcome of anything. But because we are linear - such is how it goes. The fantasy is how we create our internal reality of what we want or fear will happen. It's the way we prepare ourselves and create our action or reaction to events that are outside our control. This is the primary phase within that can be very effective in eliminating attachment. If as a writer - I could just send it and forget it , I wouldn't attach to the outcome with any expectations one way or the other.
Here is the result phase. You have set something into motion and that motion has returned to you. This gives a person a sense of closure and a feeling of accomplishment/validation.
Then the punishment phase. I'm less than because the outcome was negative.
Normally, this process goes on below our understanding. Bringing it into the light of our conscious awareness gives us the power of choice over our reactions and expectations. It also gives us to ability to shape change within ourselves.
Rejection happens in the result phase - when whatever the challenge is has been judged and declared invalid or wanting. No matter how carefully you prepare yourself - you can never be ready for it. No matter how you twist the experience into a positive affirmation, it won't fit into what you want it to. What went wrong? Why can't you just deal?
Go back to the process - the build up. The key is to interrupt the flow of your normal thought process and challenge them. See, you may try to handle the outcome but all those things you created before the outcome happened have a voice as well. (and all of them sound like Carl Malden;) So lets go back to the second. I use that one because you must have the set in motion phase to get all the rest. So we return to the waiting....
I wonder just how much time collectively we spend waiting - at stop lights - in line at the store - for our turn in the bathroom. I figure we should all be experts at it by now. After all, time will pass won't it? Isn't that a sure thing? If we understand that - then what's the problem? Raise your hand if you've been at work and watching the seconds tick off to a big weekend you have planned. God give me patience and I want them NOW!
What's the solution? Learn to flow with time instead of put your energy against it. You ever hear the phrase - 'Be in the now?' Where is that exactly anyway? I have a friend who used the word 'yonder' alot. I finally asked her where it was and she couldn't tell me. So I thought and thought and then figured it out. It's anywhere you aren't. So when's now? Any time that isn't the past or future. So think about it for a moment. If you're attached to the outcome - you're living in a future moment, not the now. Focus your attention on this now, each time it comes. It's a profound life to live in the moment. If you can accomplish this - there will be no attachment to the outcome - no frustration...
If you can't master that then try interrupting the next phase - the fantasy. Creative imaginations with time to wait.. can there be any greater formula for attachment? Here is where you will set yourself up by creating your personal validation to be dependent on another by way of acceptance - the opposite being of course, rejection. It is also a form of limitation.
While you are waiting - the imagination begins to create possibilities. What will happen if... In fairness to life in general, you consider positive and negative aspects of what if's and what you will do when 'what if' happens or doesn't happen. When used in this way - it's a protective mechanism used to shelter a fragile insecurity. Find the insecurity and challenge that directly and you interrupt that phase.
The result phase - this one will come no matter what you do or don't do once you set event's into motion. If you've managed to interrupt the phases above, this phase won't be as dramatic as it otherwise would.
The punishment phase - this happens mostly when the outcome has negative attachments and the person feels that they need to take responsibility in some way or another for it. So follows the thoughts; 'I knew I should've.... I wish I had.... I just couldn't...' This is all those 'what if's' coming home to roost. Many times people will get defensive about their punishment - as though they must take responsibility for whatever. ' You don't understand... I had to....' It's also another way to control something outside of their control and when that aspect is confronted - those thoughts will quiet down to a dull roar and reveal other dynamics that you can do something about.
The gift of rejection is that you can use it to revel your inner workings to your conscious mind and therefore, into the realm of choice and empowerment.
Offered for your consideration...