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Hi Wyn,

I can understand where you're coming from with these feelings, I think most of us feel this way at times. I took required courses in college that fulfilled my degrees and 40 years later still haven't had to apply any of it but I needed it supposedly. There were other courses I should have taken in high school they couldn't fit me into due to class sizes and I was passed without them because the school couldn't provide them to me. I've never needed any of them in daily life, though they would have helped me with the college courses I had to take and made them a bit easier--yeah, those courses I've never used yet.

I've settled myself realizing that the things we know will fit in where they're supposed to. My studies in art history and interior design have spilled over into my writing though, they come through descriptively and were noticed immediately by my English profs. who felt it enhanced my ability to engage the senses of the reader. Odd that little twist but it makes sense to me at the same time. So sometimes what we learn in one area can be applied elsewhere...as DH pointed out about his political knowledge serving an issue within his community. Even knowing things that do us little with practical applications, that understanding sometimes helps us with finding our point of balance. Like the knowledge you hold about cancer, understanding it surely has helped you with your visualizations and alternative healing efforts.

I am having some pain issues. 1.5 years ago, before my cancer diagnosis, I would not have had the thoughts drift through my mind that now drift through regularly, because all I know about cancer wouldn't keep making me shift to "What if...." What if the cancer was already in my brain, and unfortunately I know that the chemical of chemo, while they do destroy brain cells and do cause Chemo Fog, are next to useless at attacking brain cancer cells... So when I woke up with double vision on Saturday, for no apparent reason, and it didn't blink away...and I never got a migraine, I can't help but wonder.

When I'm disoriented to my own life, disconnected...I wonder if there is maybe something interfering with the normal way my brain functions so that is why I feel so different. When my back is bad, and also wrong, and also not getting better, I wonder about all I know about tamoxifen and uterine cancer, and all I know about the increase risks I walk in for ovarian cancer.

Wyn, I can fully relate to the 'what if' around cancer, I'm a survivor of uterine cancer but when first diagnosed I went through every fear-based 'what if' possible, they may have been different than your 'what if's' in some cases but I'm sure not all of them. The word cancer alone is hard to hear and it plants a seed row of fears instantly. Mine were not only for myself but for my children. At the time my girls were very young, 3 and 9 yrs old, so it was 'what if' I do die? What will happen to them? Who will love them like I do? Who will treat them fairly? Will they respect my wishes or watch out for their well-being or...or...or...?

And I had to make those plans for them--just in case, so another set of 'what ifs' sprouted wondering if those I'd chosen were right. It went on and on in my head. All one can do is the best they've got in them at any given moment. Back then the impact that implication would have on the lives of those who would care for them was another concern. With all that and fighting the disease I got mad and said no, no one will love them like I do and I fought for them and myself because, like you, I wasn't willing to just roll over and give up.

I took an option the doctors were not happy with. At the time it was cutting edge medicine but it worked and I've been cancer-free ever since. Still, during that time and the first few years that followed with periodic cancer screenings I went through a surreal life change and the fear of 'what if the cancer returns' was there. All the realities of all those around me were far different from my own. I know it's a lonely journey even with the support of loved ones and dear friends around you. Most options aren't the least bit pleasant and sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. The pain doesn't help matters either as it clouds the brain too.

Hang in there Wyn, and keep walking your walk your way. You have a beautiful spirit that shines. You've come a long way already and I know you're tired, but hang in there. You'll win. That's what 'Wyn' means, at least in my definition.